


Capt Jack and Professor Song walk into a bar....

by ArtyMara1992



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Funny, Madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 03:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14096406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMara1992/pseuds/ArtyMara1992
Summary: Captain Jack and River Song walk into a bar. Need I say more. Will feature the comparing of gun size, karaoke, Jack in Rivers clothing and booze. Need I say more.





	Capt Jack and Professor Song walk into a bar....

**Author's Note:**

> Just a weird dream I had enjoy.

Why the doctor had ever thought it was a good idea to leave River Song alone with Jack Harkness of all people was a mystery that would spread across time. But as soon as he had left the two in the TARDIS when the inevitable happened. They decided to find the nearest bar. 

Now you would think that 2 adults from the 23rd century would be quite capable to go into a bar and not cause any trouble but then you wouldn't know River Song and Jack Harkness. Trouble was practically their middle name and you could be sure they would live up to it. (Even if they did set out with the purest of intentions at the start).

It was a bar/ club typical to any you would find on any habitual planet. Flashing lights, karaoke, bar with shelves of multicoloured bottles of various spirits behind it. And upon finding a clear table they got down to the first matter of business. A mini competition of who could down the most hyper vodka shots quickest. Jack won, (though River claimed he cheated), and proceeded to claim proudly to have the biggest “guns” in the quadrant. Which was a minor mistake one his part.

Her “Guns”, as anyone who know River even slightly as well as the Doctor, was one of the few things River never left home (or the storm cage) without, (Other then her diary of course, TARDIS key, oh and hallucinogenic lipstick). I mean, know one was going to have a bigger “guns” then River Song. 

A bet was soon placed. The person with the smallest “Guns” would have to do a forfeit of the others choosing. 

Hands were shaken, clothing was adjusted to reach what was needed and the guns were laid on the table. I wont bore you with the following conversation, all I will say is it included the use of a ruler, several different tape measures from different planets and some very complicated mathematics, before Jack conceded with a hump, the River did indeed have the bigger “guns”. 

The forfeit was simple. Jack would borrow Rivers clothing (Including heels), and go sing “man I feel like a woman”, along with the appropriate acting of course, on stage to the karaoke. River would judge his performance from the table, everything covered by Jacks army coat.

The lights dimmed as Jack walked onto the stage looking stunning in a skin tight red dress with matching 6 inch heels. The spot light found him as he started to sing. River was rather disappointed until it got to the chorus. When her jaw dropped. Who knew Jack could do a standing split in 6 inch heels? His voice belting out the lyrics as he strutted his stuff on the stage, putting the earths best drag queens to shame as he curved his hips and shimmed his body to the music. She broke into laughters a he pursed his lips and threw a wink over his shoulder at her.

So busy was she cheering on Jack (this was the best entertainment she had had since she had convinced her husband to try wine only for him to spit it out complaining about the lack of taste of win gums), that she didn't notice the door opening or said husband walking in.  
To say he was stunned was an understatement. His wife, was sitting at a table wearing nothing but Jacks long coat, while Jack himself was prancing around on the stage, in what looked like rivers dress, singing about feeling like a woman. 

Deciding that for the time Jack was the bigger problem, he jumped on stage, discreetly sonicing the lights and music to go off as he grabbed Jacks ear. In the black of the bar he could here the other bar patrons complaining and in the corner of one eye, he saw his wife vanish in a flash to the vortex. He would catch up with her later. For now he concentrated on dragging his wayward friend out of the bar and back to the TARDIS. The sooner he got him back to Cardiff the better. He would never be able to return to this planet again. At least not this regeneration. The Doctor sighed loudly as Jack passed out next to the counsel. It really was a shame. Jack wasn't a bad singer and that planet really did make the finest jelly babies he had found so far.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't like how this turned out. If anyone wants to give me a hand rewriting it then let me know. Comments are appreciated, flamers will be ignored.


End file.
